To Be or Not To Be

NOVEMBER, 2023 (Part 1)
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING

“I do not know what direction my life will go. I don’t like that I am not living with purpose. The days pass me by and nothing is achieved. I do not know what I am doing.”

Every day is the same. I wake up to a monotonous routine of constantly wishing my life could be better than it is now.

Alone in bed in my room, my mind wanders. The feeling of inadequacy overwhelms me. I feel trapped in my head by thoughts that magnify my shortcomings: all the things I am not doing right, all the things I have not achieved. I am frustrated because I feel like I am no different from someone who has no ambition. And what’s worse is that, for some reason, I cannot get myself to do anything about it.

I am already doing something about the dreams I have for myself. I am sharing my writing, but I feel stuck and stagnant, and I cannot pray as I want to.

I keep thinking that my life would have been so much easier if I had stayed in my shell and done nothing, if I had lived a lukewarm life, bland and without any spice. It was an ironic thought because when I did nothing, I was not comfortable. If I had been, I would not have been plagued by thoughts of how my life would be if I stepped out of that shell to see the world with different eyes.

I want less, but then, I want more too.

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AUGUST, 2022
THE BIRTH OF A YEARNING

It started sometime during the first week of August 2022. I became conflicted as a yearning for more was born.

And as the yearning could not be silenced, I found myself writing:

“I want to do something! I want to start something. There is this feeling I have inside that makes me want to do. But I do not know how to start. I know what I want to do. I want to be more out there for God, the gospel and myself. But I do not know exactly what to do or how to start. But I know I want to.”

So, I began to write. That was all I thought I could do. But I eventually grew to like it. I liked how I could use words to express myself; written words, not spoken. I could almost be a different person.

I wrote in my notes. I wrote on my phone. I wrote to give a voice to my thoughts. I wrote about my feelings, my beliefs, my dreams and ambitions. I wrote in secret and shared my thoughts with no one but one friend who writes too. Were they any good? I wouldn’t know. But at that time, I thought they were. I was happy because I thought I finally had something of my own.

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JANUARY – JULY, 2023
THE NEW YEAR

And so, the New Year began.

This year started without any New Year’s resolutions. I just wanted to be consistent with reading my Bible and praying. I also wanted answers to my questions. But no one could have prepared me for the surprises the year had in store: the emotional turbulence, the intense feelings of incongruence, and the periods of very low lows. Once again, the battle was in my mind. I was the one who locked myself in a cell and hid the key. These were dark days. I honestly thought that God had forsaken me.

I remember those moments like it was yesterday. I prayed for a community: one for my faith, my hobbies, and my academics. I knew I could not achieve success or have a sense of purpose and impact in my life if I was alone. I had tried many times to do it on my own, and I had failed.

But there was no answer from God. I felt stranded and dejected, abandoned by Him. I thought I had a breakthrough when I found a mentor for my academics. I was happy about it, but the happiness did not last.

Maybe there was something wrong with me. My feelings always seemed to oppose each other. How was it possible to want something and, at the same time, not want it?

The lowest point came when I was frantically searching for a church community. I had been praying for months and still felt as though nothing was happening. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and find that community myself. Instead, I plunged deeper into uncertainty and endless worry.

At the same time, my academic workload was mounting. I felt suffocated, with pressure coming from every direction. But the greatest pressure was the one I put on myself. I thought I had to have my life all figured out. I had an eight-year plan for my life: the things I would do after school and when I would do them. I was a planner, but sometimes things do not go according to plan. And I was not one to accept that easily.

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AUGUST, 2023
I THINK I CAN DO THIS

The pressure to perform took hold of me one sunny Sunday in August. I was sitting on the chair in my room, listening to a sermon from a pastor, and just like that, I started to get hungry. Not for food, but for change. I knew it was time to act.

But was it really a pressure to perform, or just a desire to see a change in my life? It was rather a combination of desires: a desire to change from the reserved, quiet girl to a more expressive one and a desire to finally do something with my life instead of being consumed by medical school. I needed a sort of exposure.

And this was probably the beginning of my breakthrough.

It took a year, but I decided to take a step forward in the opposite direction from what I was used to and finally do something about the yearning I had. It was exciting and frightening.

I became active on social media, something I had thought of doing but never actually did, and started sharing my writing with the world. I tried to define my niche, decide on the aesthetics, and determine how frequently I would write. I made plans and laid the groundwork before sharing my work.

All the while, I was battling self-doubt. I had thoughts of stopping and hiding myself again, but I did not succumb, despite how tempting and convenient it was. Because I knew that if I gave up, I would have to deal with the nagging feeling of not doing something I knew I should be doing. Not only that, but I would feel guilty if I saw someone else do the thing I was so afraid to do.

So, I tucked the negativity away and continued writing.

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OCTOBER, 2023
THE PICTURE IS GETTING CLEARER

Having friends and family who support you is a gift, and one I am grateful to have.

I cannot remember exactly when it happened, but my chest started to feel lighter. The burden eased.

The self-imposed pressure to find a community for my faith by myself began to evaporate, and what happened in between was God. It could not have been anyone else. But how could anyone help me if I did not tell them what was going on?

I had a bad habit of keeping my feelings locked up inside me. I never embraced vulnerability. But whenever I allowed myself to be vulnerable with my friends, I felt better. One of them in particular, a Christian creative with whom I have the most wholesome conversations, inspired and motivated me to keep going. I also received encouragement and support from my dear roommate and my siblings, God’s gifts to me.

I remember the conversations I had with my Christian creative friend about our plans for the future and the things we wanted to do. Looking back, the change in me from the beginning of the year until then was palpable. I no longer spoke with the same anxiety or fear, even though I still did not have all the answers.

I had learned to trust God with my life.

When I chose to let go of my burden, the picture seemed to get clearer. I no longer struggled to find inspiration for my writing. I only had to talk to God, and I would find the direction for my next piece. I felt like I was on the right track.

But this change did not happen easily. I had to intentionally train my mind to believe God’s word rather than my feelings.

After some time of sharing my writing on social media, I noticed a change in the themes of my work. It was subtle, but careful observation would bring it to the surface. My writing had moved from natural, life-related themes towards more Christian ones.

At first, I had been afraid to delve into Christian content because I feared getting it wrong. With time, however, I allowed myself to follow the direction God was placing on my heart. I began to care less about people’s opinions of me. What mattered most was doing what God would have me do.

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NOVEMBER, 2023 (Part 2)
I’D RATHER BE THAN NOT BE

As I write this, my confidence is growing. And from all I have experienced, I can say that it is because my gaze has shifted.

My focus now is not only on improving myself and my content but also on God, majorly on God. The past months made me realize that being excessively self-conscious limited me. So, I am relinquishing my focus on my imperfections and fixing it on God.

I want God’s light to shine through me: through my words, my writing, my art, my career in medicine, and anything I venture into. This is my purpose: living for Christ. I want to be better. I do not want to stay hidden.

I started with sharing my writing with the world, but now I share my art too, showing more parts of me than I thought I could.

Though I had to battle self-doubt countless times, and I sometimes still do, I am winning the fight now because my gaze has shifted.

And I see now that I’d rather be than not be. I’d rather develop myself than stay hidden because where I am going, I need to prepare.

I’d rather use my talents and hone them because it is only on this earth that they can be used. I do not want to die with regrets.

I’d rather fail now and make my mistakes so that I would know what I need not do to succeed.

I’d rather be in step with God than behind because He is the one who directs my path, and He knows the way I am to go.

I’d rather give Him all my fears and worries because I have experienced firsthand the danger holding on to them can cause.

I thought that this year started without a trajectory, but actually, it was an arrowhead all along, aimed at its target. It was my launching pad.

The realization of all these makes me feel rested. I am at peace with myself now.

And I also realized that I was wrong. God never left me. I was just impatient. He crowned it all by leading me to the community I had been searching for all along. I found the church for me. It was a major prayer point answered. He did it His own way and in His own timing. He did it for me. Indeed, God puts the lonely in families. Belonging to this church would mean I am even closer to living an impactful life.

The answers I was looking for in January came in November. Is this what people call the eleventh-hour miracle?

Now, I am on a journey to improve, slowly but surely. I will not be so foolish as to put pressure on myself like I did before. I will push at a steady pace and enjoy the process on my way to THERE, my place of living in purpose. And to me, “THERE” is not a destination I arrive at but a daily way of living: striving to live a life with meaning each day.

I had always wanted to live a life with meaning. Life is fickle and, like a vapour, is here one moment and disappears.

Collection: Literesque Prize 1, Creative Nonficion List
Style: Personal Essay.