NOVEMBER, 2023 (part 1)

…I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.

“I do not know what direction my life would go. I don’t like that I am not living with purpose…the days pass me by and nothing is achieved…I do not know what I am doing.”

Every day is the same. I wake up to a monotonous routine of constantly wishing my life could be better than it is now.

Alone in my room as I lay in bed, my mind is wandering. The feeling of inadequacy overwhelms me. I feel trapped in my head by thoughts that magnify my shortcomings – all the things I am not doing right, all the things I have not achieved. I am frustrated because I feel like I am no different from someone who has no ambition. And what’s worse is that, for some reason, I cannot get myself to do anything about it.

I am already doing something about the dreams I have for myself – I am sharing my writing, but I feel stuck and stagnant, and I cannot pray as I want to.

I keep thinking that my life would have been so much easier if I stayed in my shell and did nothing… if I lived a lukewarm life – bland and without any spice. It was an ironic thought because when I did nothing, I was not comfortable. If I was, I would not have been plagued by thoughts of how my life would be if I stepped out of that shell to see the world with different eyes.

I want less, but then, I want more too.

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AUGUST, 2022

…THE BIRTH OF A YEARNING

It started sometime during the first week of August, 2022. I became conflicted as a yearning for more was birthed.

And as the yearning could not be silenced, I found myself writing: “I want to do something! I want to start something. There is this feeling I have inside that makes me want to do. But I do not know how to start. I know what I want to do. I want to be more out there for God, the gospel and myself. But I do not know exactly what to do or how to start. But I know I want to.”

So, I began to write. That was all I thought I could do. But I eventually grew to like it. I liked how I could use words to express myself; written words, not spoken. I could almost be a different person.

I wrote in my notes, I wrote on my phone. I wrote to give a voice to my thoughts. I wrote about my feelings. I wrote about my beliefs, I wrote about my dreams and ambitions. I wrote in secret and shared my thoughts with not a soul but one – a friend who writes too. Were they any good? I wouldn’t know. But at that time, I thought they were. I was happy because I thought I finally had something of my own.

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JANUARY – JULY, 2023

…THE NEW YEAR

And so, the New Year began.

This year started without any New Year resolutions. I just wanted to be consistent with reading my Bible and praying. I also wanted answers to my questions. I wanted God to give me answers. But no one could have prepared my mind for the surprises the year had for me – the emotional turbulence, the intense feelings of incongruence, and the periods of very low lows. Once again, the battle was in my mind. I was the one who locked myself in a cell and hid the key. These were the dark days. I honestly thought that God had forsaken me.

I remember those moments like it was yesterday. I asked and prayed to God for a community – a community for my faith, my hobbies, and my academics. I knew I could not achieve success or have a sense of purpose and impact in my life if I was alone. I knew I could not do it on my own. How many times had I tried and failed?

But there was no answer from God. I felt stranded and dejected, abandoned by God. I thought I had a break when I found a mentor for my academics. I was happy about that. But the happiness did not last.

Maybe there is something wrong with me. My feelings always oppose each other. How is it possible to want something and at the same time, not want it?

The worst point in all this was the period where I was frantically searching for a community for my faith, a church community. I thought God was not doing anything. I had been praying for months and still got no answer. So, I had to take matters into my hands and find that community myself. What I found instead was a deep plunging into uncertainty, endless worrying and depression.

This was also the time I had mounting academic and school work. I felt suffocated and there was pressure on all sides. But the most imposing and unpleasant of all was the pressure I put on myself. I thought I had to have my life all figured out. I had an eight-year plan for my life – the things I would do after school, and when. I was a planner but sometimes, things don’t go according to plan. And I was not one to easily accept that.

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AUGUST, 2023

…I THINK I CAN DO THIS

The pressure to perform took a hold of me one sunny Sunday in August. I was sitting on the chair in my room, listening to the sermon from a Pastor and just like that, I started to get hungry. Not for food, but for change. I knew it was time to act.

But was it really a pressure to perform or just a desire to see a change in my life? It was rather, a combination of desires: a desire to change from the reserved, quiet girl to a more expressive one and a desire to finally do something with my life and not just be consumed by medical school. I needed a sort of exposure.

And this was probably the beginning of my breakthrough.

It took a year, but I decided to take a step forward in the opposite direction from what I was used to and finally do something about the yearning I had. It was exciting and frightening.

I became active on social media (something I had thought of doing but never actually did) and started sharing my writing with the world. I tried to define my niche, decide on the aesthetics and frequency of my writing. I made plans and laid the groundwork before sharing my work.

All the while, I was battling with self-doubt. I had thoughts to stop and hide myself again, but I did not succumb despite how tempting and convenient it was. Because I knew that if I give up, I would have to deal with the nagging feeling of not doing something I know I should be doing. Not only that, but I would feel guilty if I saw someone else do the thing I was so afraid to do.

So, I tucked the negativity away and continued writing.

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OCTOBER, 2023

…THE PICTURE IS GETTING CLEARER

Having friends and family who support you is a gift, and one I am grateful to be in possession of.

I cannot remember exactly when it happened, but my chest started to feel lighter. The burden I was carrying was no longer there.

The self-imposed pressure to find by myself a community for my faith evaporated and what happened in between was God. It could not have been anyone else. Who could help me if I don’t tell them what is going on? I had this bad habit of keeping my feelings locked up in my chest. I never embraced vulnerability. But whenever I was actually vulnerable with my friends, I felt better. One of them in particular, a Christian creative, who I have the most wholesome conversations with, inspired and motivated me to keep going. I received encouragement and support from my dear roommate and my siblings – God’s gift to me.

I remember conversations I have had with my Christian creative friend where we talked about our plans for the future and the things we would like to do. And I can say that the change that had occurred in my life from the beginning of the year till then was palpable. I did not speak with anxiety or fear despite the fact that I still did not have all the answers. I had learned to trust God with my life. It seemed that when I chose to let go of my burden, the picture started to get clearer. I did not struggle to find inspiration for my writing. I just had to talk to God and I would get the direction of where my next piece would go. I felt like I was on the right track. But all of these did not happen easily. I had to intentionally school my mind to believe God’s word rather than my feelings before the change happened.

After some time of sharing my writing on social media, I noticed a difference in the theme of my writing from what I originally started with to what it was at that time. It was subtle, but a careful observation would bring it to the surface. There was a progression from a natural, life-related theme to a more Christian-related theme. I originally did not want to delve into Christian content because of my fear of getting it wrong, but with time, I allowed myself to flow in the direction God pointed my heart to. I began to care less about people’s opinion of me. What mattered most was doing what God would have me do.

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NOVEMBER, 2023 (part 2)

…I’D RATHER BE THAN NOT BE

As I write this, my confidence is growing. And from all I have experienced, I can say that it is because my gaze has shifted.

My focus now is not only on me wanting to improve myself and my content but also on God; majorly on God. The past months made me realize that being excessively self-conscious limited me. So, I am relinquishing the focus on my imperfections and fixing it on God.

I want God’s light to shine through me – through my words, my writing, my art, my career in medicine and anything I would venture into. This is my purpose, living for Christ. I want to be better. I do not want to stay hidden.

I started with sharing my writing to the world, but now, I share my art too; showing more parts of me than I thought I could.

Though I had to battle self-doubt countless times, and I sometimes still do, I am winning the fight now because my gaze has shifted.

And I see now that I’d rather be than not be. I’d rather develop myself than stay hidden because where I am going, I need to prepare.

I’d rather use my talent and hone them because it is only on this earth it can be used. I do not want to die with regrets.

I’d rather fail now and make my mistakes so that I would know what I need not do to succeed.

I’d rather be in step with God than behind because He is the one who directs my path and He knows the way I am to go.

I’d rather give Him all my fears and worries because I have experienced firsthand the danger holding on to them can cause.

I thought that this year started without a trajectory, but actually, it was an arrowhead all along, aimed at its target. It was my launching pad.

The realization of all these makes me rested. I am at peace with myself now.

And I also realized that I was wrong. God never left me. I was just impatient. He crowned it all by leading me to the community I had been searching for all along. I found the church for me. It was a major prayer point answered. He did it His own way and at His own timing. He did it for me. Indeed, God puts the lonely in families. Belonging to this church would mean I am even closer to living an impactful life.

The answers I was looking for in January came in November. Is this what people call the 11th hour miracle?

Now, I am on a journey to improve; slowly, but surely. I will not be so foolish as to put pressure on myself like I did before. I will push at a steady pace and enjoy the process on my way to THERE , my place of living in purpose. And to me, “THERE” is not a destination I arrive at but a daily living; striving to live a life with meaning each day.

I had always wanted to live a life with meaning. Life is fickle and like a vapour that is here one moment and disappears